Bands and the Women They Courted

More on the heavy metal bands of the 80s and the words of Chuck Klosterman:

“Here’s a list of what type of girls the premier metal groups liked (or at least seemed to like)…

GUNS N’ ROSES: Bisexual models; submissive women; girls who would buy them booze.

MÖTLEY CRÜE: Strippers; women who have sex in public (particularly elevators); lesbians.

RATT: Hookers with a heart of gold. Or strippers with a heart of gold. Or thirteen-year-olds.

DEF LEPPARD: Drunk girls; female vampires.

THE CULT: Female vampires only.

FASTER PUSSCAT: GNR Rejects.

W.A.S.P. : Magician’s assistants; women with rape fantasies; lower primates.

AEROSMITH: Models, but not waifs; high school snobs; more girls who like having sex in elevators.

CINDERELLA: Gypsies

TESLA: Farm girls; whoever they used to date in junior high.

VAN HALEN: Party girls; bikini models; the homecoming queen; cast members of One Day at a Time.

DAVID LEE ROTH (solo): The same as Van Halen, except with bigger boobs.

BON JOVI: The girl next door.

VINNIE VINCENT INVASION: The dominatrix next door.

SLAUGHTER: Girls who couldn’t make the cut as Bon Jovi groupies.

WINGER: Whoever Bon Jovi groupies used to baby-sit.

POISON: Girls who liked to tease; girls from small towns; good girls gone bad.

KISS: Any girl who wasn’t dead.

IRON MAIDEN: Dead girls.

JUDAS PRIEST: Boys.

METALLICA: None of the above.

Fargo Rock City Rocks. (Photo by RabidBallerina)

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