Breaking News: Santorum Unveils Ironic Plan to Wage War Against Mars

Photo: Sarah Conard

Rick Santorum has apparently read the John Carter novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs, and is so enamored of them, he will employ their warlike themes to his defense strategy.  Last night at a stump speech, he referenced the novels as a “place like Earth, but more realistic.” The candidate then went on to describe how he would have designed Tars Tarkas, had he been President, or Art Director.

There’s no reason why Martian warriors can’t have crosses on their necks. That would have been totally cool.

In an exclusive interview with The Litter Box, Mr. Santorum sought to clear things up.

TLB: Thank you for joining us today, Rick.
RS: No problem, Johnny Cat. This is a totally awesome construct you’ve devised.
TLB: (blushes) Yeah, well, anyway… why do you want to wage war against Mars?
RS: Not Martians, per se, Johnny. What I’m proposing, and what a lot of bipartisan support is saying is that, well, we need to secure Mars for America. After all, it was an American who first discovered it. It should be American astronauts that first colonize it, and claim it for America. The American people would agree with me, Johnny.
TLB: You do realize that one of the gods of war was Mars, and that the planet Mars was named many, shall we say, moons before our births upon this planet? What conclusive evidence do you have  that we should go to war with Mars?
RS: I have two words for you: Dejah Thoris.

About these ads

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: