Breaking News: Santorum Unveils Ironic Plan to Wage War Against Mars

02/08/2012

Photo: Sarah Conard

Rick Santorum has apparently read the John Carter novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs, and is so enamored of them, he will employ their warlike themes to his defense strategy.  Last night at a stump speech, he referenced the novels as a “place like Earth, but more realistic.” The candidate then went on to describe how he would have designed Tars Tarkas, had he been President, or Art Director.

There’s no reason why Martian warriors can’t have crosses on their necks. That would have been totally cool.

In an exclusive interview with The Litter Box, Mr. Santorum sought to clear things up.

TLB: Thank you for joining us today, Rick.
RS: No problem, Johnny Cat. This is a totally awesome construct you’ve devised.
TLB: (blushes) Yeah, well, anyway… why do you want to wage war against Mars?
RS: Not Martians, per se, Johnny. What I’m proposing, and what a lot of bipartisan support is saying is that, well, we need to secure Mars for America. After all, it was an American who first discovered it. It should be American astronauts that first colonize it, and claim it for America. The American people would agree with me, Johnny.
TLB: You do realize that one of the gods of war was Mars, and that the planet Mars was named many, shall we say, moons before our births upon this planet? What conclusive evidence do you have  that we should go to war with Mars?
RS: I have two words for you: Dejah Thoris.


83rd Annual What?

02/27/2011

via LAist

So the 83rd Annual Academy Awards Ceremony was nothing like the previous 82. It was probably the worst awards event in recent memory. Just a few observations of what contributed to the scornful event that was supposed to celebrate the year in film. The many WTF moments include:

- Banksy was robbed.

- Mila Kunis’ tattoo-looking breasts/dress.

- Timberlake and Kunis making some oblique joke that absolutely no one got.

- McCounaughey and Johansen making some oblique mumble-joke that probably wasn’t a joke at all.

- James Franco in drag

- Christian Bale plugging a website for Dickie Ecklund.

- The Academy president and ABC person assuring us there will still be a relationship betwixt the two until 2020.

- Supposedly this was to be directed at the youth market, but there were an inordinate amount of walking canes involved (not that Kirk Douglas didn’t rock).

- The opening montage: it would have been better if they had actually landed in the canyon of 127 Hours, and Franco would face Franco. But apparently no one could write that hilarity.

- Celine Dion

- That weird projection screen onstage that made everything look like you’re having an acid flashback.

- That confounded microphone, which at least two winners found hard to find because it was too bloody invisible.

- The fact that I just said “bloody.”

Anyway, I think I’m not alone in calling this the dumbest Oscars ever, and aside from the fact that my favorite film of the year, Inception, won four awards, I really think these awards are for egomaniacs and future talent, like the shaggy-haired winner of best short film, Luke Matheny, who hopefully makes more movies in the future. Kudos to Sandra Bullock for keeping it real during the presentation for Best Actor, and again I gotta mention the highlight- actor/legend Kirk Douglas milking it and hitting up the ladies was true Oscar gold.

Update via Buzzfeed: Kirk Douglas arriving at the Oscars in 1954:


Resume Mistakes

11/14/2010

While chipping away at my resume, I did a little searching for tips and advice, and found this list of JobMob’s 150 Funniest Resume Mistakes. These are from actual resumes, and include such gems as:

  • “Skills: Strong Work Ethic, Attention to Detail, Team Player, Self Motivated, Attention to Detail”
  • Experience: “Stalking, shipping & receiving”
  • Candidate’s hobbies included sitting on the levee at night watching alligators.
  • “Seeking a party-time position with potential for advancement.”
  • “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
  • Objective: “I want to play a major part in watching a company advance.”
  • Experience: “I’m a hard worker, etc.”
  • Qualifications: “Twin sister has accounting degree.”
  • Accomplishments: “Brought in a balloon artist to entertain the team.”

Writing the perfect resume is hard work, and it’s easy to let typos slip through, but Wow, People.

More at the link, etc.

 


Badminton is Bad

08/02/2010

I guess late one night during the 2004 Olympics, commentator Mary Carillo tried to insert a comedy sketch into a comparison of pro vs. backyard badminton. It’s kind of a surreal train wreck, as she comes across as serious without any crowd there to laugh at her jokes. Okay?

(YouTube Link)

Who the hell is Christopher Burr?  |  via kottke.


Otto vs Egon: Bookshelf Battle

07/28/2010

(YouTube Link)

This is the high octane sequel to Otto vs Egon, and as usual, the sequel is better.


Trolls Beware

07/16/2010

From the emotional, strange case of Jessi Slaughter, we get this piece of troll-feeder rap. Seriously, folks, don’t let your kids use the Internet unsupervised, and never, ever feed the trolls.

(YouTube Link)

Something new, every day. Meanwhile this sad affair is ruining the name of Jesse Slaughter.


Why Your VM Outgoing Message Sucks

06/03/2010

Here’s a brief history of events that led up to a huge portion of the population leaving a terrible, soul-crushing outgoing message on their voice mail. First, just when we were getting used to rotary phones, being able to zip that dial like a racehorse around the final turn, they changed the format. (pic: zen)

Enter the calculator-esque push-button phone. Or is it Satan? (ahem) See, this design got callers everywhere overconfident. Soon they were seeing if they could punch in digits even faster than the old, more controlled method of the spinning dial. This led to an increase in wrong numbers. (pic: stilo95hp)

We’re not just talking about a spike, but an all-consuming wave that flooded the lands of the telephone users. At one point I remember a 60 Minutes segment about it, people were being inundated with wrong numbers, and suffering a minor form of PSTD. But it was not a sickness without a measure of protection, and subsequently we got the answering machine.

After the masses figured out how to use them, answering machines began clogging people’s call time due to long-winded outgoing messages, usually prefaced by stating the phone number that was reached, and both household heads -and maybe the kids- would chime in too, followed by them all simultaneously instructing the caller on what to do when they hear a beep. This went on for a long, dark time. (pic: Wikimedia)

Which leads us to a present epidemic. The ghosts of the past still haunt many of us when we record our outgoing message on our cell phone. Personally, I think it should be short and to the point (which many of the offending are), and maybe just say “Hi, it’s [name].” And let that 15 second recording start that informs the caller on how to leave a voice message. But here’s the rub that I experience way too often upon being directed to someone’s voice mail. And please… please change your outgoing message if it starts like this:

“Hi, you have reached…”

No. No, I haven’t. I really needed to, but I haven’t. I knew who I was calling, but I didn’t reach you. WHY DO YOU MOCK ME?

(pic: Bloggoggles)


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