5 Worthless Droids

While science fiction has given us some fine examples of advanced robotics, the truth is there is a glut of droids out there that either had a little too much carbon scoring, or the design was just plain stupid.  Here’s my rundown of the ones that really fail to inspire.

5.  Number Five.
I couldn’t resist putting this clown-with-solenoids at this spot.  He’s annoying, he’s ugly, he’s designed by a war monger society, but would probably be destroyed by a BB gun.  “Number Five is alive!”  No.  He’s dead to me, and the fact that they actually made a sequel to this steaming pile makes it all the more of a failure.  Here he is being a total dickwad for no apparent reason:

4.  V.I.N.CENT  and  B.O.B.

Okay, I’ll admit it.  When The Black Hole came out in 1979, I was all over it.  I even had the board game.  This was mostly due to the effect Star Wars had on my embracing any & all space travel movies to the fullest.   But as anyone who’s seen it will probably tell you, this movie SUCKED.  These two whirligigs didn’t even impress my young sci-fi starved mind at the time, with their precious laser guns taking out countless other worthless sentry droids.  They look like they were designed by a six-year-old with a serious head trauma.  Also: Roddy McDowell and Slim Pickens do the voices.  Waste of talent.

3.  Mudd’s Women
It really says a lot about your android programming skillz if your creations have a total hard drive crash at the mere mention of the word “music.”  Having your prisoners act like total dumbasses only makes matters worse, for all of us to wonder, “What good are you, anyway?”

(at 6:48 Link)

2.  C-3PO

Look, it’s all fine and grand that you can translate 50+ dialects, and serve as a protocol droid like nobody’s business, but c’mon!  When all you do around heroes who are trying to save the galaxy is get in the way, complain, point out the futility of it all, and get blasted into pieces so one or more of the heroes has to fix you, you are a failure.  Compounding that is your earlier habits of resorting to silly puns as a way of dealing with your worthlessness.  Do us a favor.  The next time you feel like you’ll regret something, abstain.  Stay on the ship and don’t interfere.  Besides, Artoo thinks you’re a total fag.

But none of these losers can compare to…

1.  Dr. Theopolis
Okay, sure, Twiki is fairly useless as well, but he’s got a cool face that looks like something out of Korean monster flicks.  You, on the other hand, are nothing more than a glorified necklace that Flavr Flav might wear at a club.  You’re unnecessarily condescending, lazily constructed with subpar LEDs and your circuits smell like battery acid.  You can’t move, you have no weapons…hell you can’t even levitate like your superior cousin V.I.N.CENT!  Just sitting there, around the neck of a cute companion-to-dudes droid equals massive worthlessness.  The least you could do is let Buck know Wilma’s code to her quarters.  Maybe then I would have seen you in a different light?

(Updated 6/8/2010)


18 Responses to 5 Worthless Droids

  1. Rachel says:

    So funny! I’d pay to see all five duke it out.

  2. The Black Hole was an excellent movie.

    So long as you were expecting a Western shoot-out and not a SF flick. And you ignore the oddly religious ending.

  3. Roger says:

    The droids in Black Hole look like the source material for South Park’s Cartman.

  4. Oh man, I remember having those Black Hole robot toys as a kid. Probably just as functional as they real ones were supposed to be! ha!

  5. Elliott says:

    These aren’t the droids I was looking for… for reasons detailed above.

  6. allie2590 says:

    Omg, they made a sequel to Short Circuit? Fail.

  7. John R. says:

    You forgot Boomer from the original Battlestar Gallatica. At least in the new version they wised up and made her a cute asian/cylon.

  8. eternalcow says:

    Hmm, I’d say Marvin from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is also a close contender.

  9. Pissed-off Johnny Five Fan says:

    Hey, fuck you buddy! Number 5 wasn’t ugly!

  10. Witana says:

    ‘Box’ from Logan’s Run was pretty lame.

  11. Aaron says:

    Sorry if this comes off as a bit off-color, but ever since I re-watched the Buck Rogers series in the 1990’s (because I adored the show as a little kid in the early 1980’s), it became clear that Twiki’s head looks uncomfortably close to a female sex toy. Yeah, he’s a dick. Maybe he’s not as useless as you think, who knows.

  12. mjg says:

    The androids in Number 3 were from the Star Trek episode “I, Mudd”, not “Mudd’s Women”. Still, one of my favorite eps because of the ‘droids wigging out. So LOL!

  13. Bumpy says:

    Umm, Boomer was the black pilot in the original BSG. Surely you must be thinking of Muffy, Boxey’s pet (monkey in a dog suit) Dagget. 😉

    • johnnycat says:

      I actually had Muffy, Boxie’s useless droid in mind when I wrote this, but I actually really like that daggett. The commenter that brought up Boomer has no clue what they’re talking about, methinks.

  14. […] I watched every episode of this dreadful show, and have previously named Dr. Theopolis as the most worthless droid, the best part of those otherwise wasted viewings was the opening […]

  15. Kids riցht now watch television for extended hours.

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