While science fiction has given us some fine examples of advanced robotics, the truth is there is a glut of droids out there that either had a little too much carbon scoring, or the design was just plain stupid. Here’s my rundown of the ones that really fail to inspire.
5. Number Five.
I couldn’t resist putting this clown-with-solenoids at this spot. He’s annoying, he’s ugly, he’s designed by a war monger society, but would probably be destroyed by a BB gun. “Number Five is alive!” No. He’s dead to me, and the fact that they actually made a sequel to this steaming pile makes it all the more of a failure. Here he is being a total dickwad for no apparent reason:
4. V.I.N.CENT and B.O.B.
Okay, I’ll admit it. When The Black Hole came out in 1979, I was all over it. I even had the board game. This was mostly due to the effect Star Wars had on my embracing any & all space travel movies to the fullest. But as anyone who’s seen it will probably tell you, this movie SUCKED. These two whirligigs didn’t even impress my young sci-fi starved mind at the time, with their precious laser guns taking out countless other worthless sentry droids. They look like they were designed by a six-year-old with a serious head trauma. Also: Roddy McDowell and Slim Pickens do the voices. Waste of talent.
3. Mudd’s Women
It really says a lot about your android programming skillz if your creations have a total hard drive crash at the mere mention of the word “music.” Having your prisoners act like total dumbasses only makes matters worse, for all of us to wonder, “What good are you, anyway?”
(at 6:48 Link)
Look, it’s all fine and grand that you can translate 50+ dialects, and serve as a protocol droid like nobody’s business, but c’mon! When all you do around heroes who are trying to save the galaxy is get in the way, complain, point out the futility of it all, and get blasted into pieces so one or more of the heroes has to fix you, you are a failure. Compounding that is your earlier habits of resorting to silly puns as a way of dealing with your worthlessness. Do us a favor. The next time you feel like you’ll regret something, abstain. Stay on the ship and don’t interfere. Besides, Artoo thinks you’re a total fag.
But none of these losers can compare to…
1. Dr. Theopolis
Okay, sure, Twiki is fairly useless as well, but he’s got a cool face that looks like something out of Korean monster flicks. You, on the other hand, are nothing more than a glorified necklace that Flavr Flav might wear at a club. You’re unnecessarily condescending, lazily constructed with subpar LEDs and your circuits smell like battery acid. You can’t move, you have no weapons…hell you can’t even levitate like your superior cousin V.I.N.CENT! Just sitting there, around the neck of a cute companion-to-dudes droid equals massive worthlessness. The least you could do is let Buck know Wilma’s code to her quarters. Maybe then I would have seen you in a different light?