“Here’s a list of what type of girls the premier metal groups liked (or at least seemed to like)…
GUNS N’ ROSES: Bisexual models; submissive women; girls who would buy them booze.
MÖTLEY CRÜE: Strippers; women who have sex in public (particularly elevators); lesbians.
RATT: Hookers with a heart of gold. Or strippers with a heart of gold. Or thirteen-year-olds.
DEF LEPPARD: Drunk girls; female vampires.
THE CULT: Female vampires only.
FASTER PUSSCAT: GNR Rejects.
W.A.S.P. : Magician’s assistants; women with rape fantasies; lower primates.
AEROSMITH: Models, but not waifs; high school snobs; more girls who like having sex in elevators.
TESLA: Farm girls; whoever they used to date in junior high.
VAN HALEN: Party girls; bikini models; the homecoming queen; cast members of One Day at a Time.
DAVID LEE ROTH (solo): The same as Van Halen, except with bigger boobs.
BON JOVI: The girl next door.
VINNIE VINCENT INVASION: The dominatrix next door.
SLAUGHTER: Girls who couldn’t make the cut as Bon Jovi groupies.
WINGER: Whoever Bon Jovi groupies used to baby-sit.
POISON: Girls who liked to tease; girls from small towns; good girls gone bad.
KISS: Any girl who wasn’t dead.
IRON MAIDEN: Dead girls.
JUDAS PRIEST: Boys.
METALLICA: None of the above.
Fargo Rock City Rocks. (Photo by RabidBallerina)