Bret Michaels: FAIL

Man oh man, I really wish I woulda watched the Tony Awards now.  Just to see this.

It’s truly the hat that aids the Schadenfreude.

Under Blood Red Skies

 

The whole PG-13 rating decision had me turned off to Terminator Salvation, but now reviews are pouring in that it may actaully still have promise.  I understand they are introducing a young Kyle Reese, which makes me certain there’ll be at least one more movie as Reese takes the time travel plunge in the final chapter.

From the previews and artwork I’ve seen, and given that the director is music video master, McG, I wonder if they considered Judas Priest’s song, “Blood Red Skies” as a soundtrack item.  I can totally see it as final credits music.  Check it out here, and come back to tell me I’m wrong.

5 Worthless Droids

While science fiction has given us some fine examples of advanced robotics, the truth is there is a glut of droids out there that either had a little too much carbon scoring, or the design was just plain stupid.  Here’s my rundown of the ones that really fail to inspire. 

5.  Number Five.
I couldn’t resist putting this clown-with-solenoids at this spot.  He’s annoying, he’s ugly, he’s designed by a war monger society, but would probably be destroyed by a BB gun.  “Number Five is alive!”  No.  He’s dead to me, and the fact that they actually made a sequel to this steaming pile makes it all the more of a failure.  Here he is being a total dickwad for no apparent reason:

4.  V.I.N.CENT  and  B.O.B.

Okay, I’ll admit it.  When The Black Hole came out in 1979, I was all over it.  I even had the board game.  This was mostly due to the effect Star Wars had on my embracing any & all space travel movies to the fullest.   But as anyone who’s seen it will probably tell you, this movie SUCKED.  These two whirligigs didn’t even impress my young sci-fi starved mind at the time, with their precious laser guns taking out countless other worthless sentry droids.  They look like they were designed by a six-year-old with a serious head trauma.  Also: Roddy McDowell and Slim Pickens do the voices.  Waste.

3.  Mudd’s Women
It really says a lot about your android programming skillz if your creations have a total hard drive crash at the mere mention of the word “music.”  Having your prisoners act like total dumbasses only makes matters worse, for all of us to wonder, “What good are you, anyway?”

2.  C-3PO

Look, it’s all fine and grand that you can translate 50+ dialects, and serve as a protocol droid like nobody’s business, but c’mon!  When all you do around heroes who are trying to save the galaxy is get in the way, complain, point out the futility of it all, and get blasted into pieces so one or more of the heroes has to fix you, you are a failure.  Compounding that is your earlier habits of resorting to silly puns as a way of dealing with your worthlessness.  Do us a favor.  The next time you feel like you’ll regret something, abstain.  Stay on the ship and don’t interfere.  Besides, Artoo thinks you’re a total fag.

But none of these losers can compare to…

1.  Dr. Theopolis
Okay, sure, Twiki is fairly useless as well, but he’s got a cool face that looks like something out of Korean monster flicks.  You, on the other hand, are nothing more than a glorified necklace that Flavr Flav might wear at a club.  You’re unnecessarily condescending, lazily constructed with subpar LEDs and your circuits smell like battery acid.  You can’t move, you have no weapons…hell you can’t even levitate like your superior cousin V.I.N.CENT!  Just sitting there, around the neck of a cute companion-to-dudes droid equals massive worthlessness.  The least you could do is let Buck know Wilma’s code to her quarters.  Maybe then I would have seen you in a different light?
  YouTube link.

Stranger Among Bears = Win

 

image via blogto.com

 

 

Last night I watched Animal Planet for the lulz, but what I got was a treat.

Charlie Vandergraw is a retired schoolteacher who lives in a special place in Alaska.  A place where the Black Bears and Grizzly Bears come to visit often.  He hangs out with them, talks and interacts with them on a daily basis, sans hibernation times.  Some say he’s insane, especially myself at first.  I remember the end of Grizzly Man oh too well.  Others say he’s a criminal, since it’s against state law to feed wild bears.

The amazing thing here is the filmmaker, Richard Terry.  A spitting image of wild-eyed Colin Ferrell, this guy watched Grizzly Man before this assignment, and did it anyway.  Terry’s  footage and closeness of the bears to Charlie are amazing in their own right.  His testament to the drama that transpired is even more brilliant.  Here’s a great set of photos set to his commentary.     

Maybe it was the HD shots, maybe it was the relationship between filmmaker and subject(s).  This show was spellbinding, and at least no one died this time. But wow, what a story.

Star Trek’s Other Ship

I really like the ships in the Star Trek Universe.  The Federation ships all tend to have a similar feel.

This is the Starship Kelvin, from the upcoming motion picture.  And I like it, lots.

Spacebat

I really appreciate all the love the Internets have been showing for Spacebat.  People can be cool.  Sometimes.  

My Top Five Moments In The Empire Strikes Back

I figure I might as well make some kind of homage to this chapter of the Star Wars anthology, seeing as it’s my personal favorite.  This is mostly due to the excitement I felt at 13 years old of the prospect of such a thing as a sequel to a movie I loved.  But it’s also due to the darkness of the chapter.  For a lot of years I resisted the urgings of Kevin Smith, and stuck by my original love for A New Hope.  But there has to be a compromise; for now, I’ll just list my top 5 moments in ESB.

5. Yoda Reveals Himself.  

It was unbelievable how gullible audiences were back then.  We never thought he was a Jedi until he started scorning Luke.

4. Yoda Raises The X-Wing
  I don’t believe it…..that is why you fail.

3. R2D2 Is Awesome.  Just check out this clip to sum it all up. 

2. Asteroids!

1. Luke vs. Vader:  Check out the whole fight, re-edited as one.

Favs: Lost in America

One of  my favorite people ever is Albert Brooks.  I’d love to have lunch with him.  His insight into the real human condition is spot on.  I absolutely love him in this scene from Lost In America.

And now a word from the I Ching

PEACE. The small departs
The Great approaches.
Good fortune.  Success. 

Washed Up Celebrity

Harrison Ford
This piece of art is called “No One Wants To Play SEGA With Harrison Ford”.  It beautifully expresses the status of Ford, who hasn’t shined onscreen since around the same time Nintendo was preferable to SEGA game systems.  The look on his face is priceless, although in his defense, he did stop committing to film roles when his children were old enough to suffer from his absence.

It makes me think about other former icons of the movies, and how their recent work just seems to be phoning it in.  I guess they can’t all be Gene Hackman, whose resume is stellar, from his burst on the scene in Bonnie and Clyde, to one of his last performances in The Royal Tenenbaums.

Guys like Tom Hanks, Al Pacino, and Robert DeNiro (whose latest, What Just Happened, could have been so much better if he hadn’t simply rehashed his character from Wag the Dog).  Even Marlon Brando descended into sleepwalking roles after The Godfather, as he inflated into a giant malaise-filled balloon.  It seems inevitable after a certain level of achievement has occured.